Scarves!

I don't know why, but here lately, I've been on a real scarf kick. Making, them, I mean, not wearing them. Jesus, it's been hot the last few days. I guess I slept through the day that Arkansas experienced some kind of geological hiccup that left it somewhere below Missisippi.

But yeah, scarves.

I don't know what it is about a scarf that fascinates me so. It may just be that they're such an easy project. Here's a beginning, here's an end, here's a million variations of color, stitch, pattern, and length. Kind o

f like knitting itself.

I guess I'm just suffering from a terminally short attention span right now (always). If a project hits that magic eight-hour mark, it's game over, at least temporarily. Over the years, there have been exceptions to this rule, most notably a scarf I finished in a single twelve-hour sitting, but by and large, if it's more than a certain number of hours, or if the progress is slow, it's just not gonna get done.

I like seeing the results of my work, which is why I still have yet to produce a full sweater for anyone.

Anyway, I'm not really trying to tie up everyone's ears and time with a long piece. Just wanted to update so people know that I'm still breathing -- reading, swearing, and occasionally even venturing out of the house. Talk to y'all later.

~namaste

Confession time

Wow. That's all I can really say. Wow. The last two weeks have been interesting. I've been running my legs off some days, feeling like there's no way in hell there's enough daylight, and then crashing the next, burned out on the bureaucratic process.

Okay, I might as well start here.

I'm not working at Goodwin's anymore. I'm not entirely sure why. All I know is that I was in Little Rock, on my normal weekend trip, when I got a phone call just as second shift was starting. I was being let go. After three years of working just above minimum wage, three years of never taking a vacation and barely taking a sick day, I was being let go. Oh, wait.

This is starting to sound like one of those problems that isn't really a problem at all. I have been inconvenienced, but I will not be silenced. I am also not going to sit and sulk about this. Let her do whatever it is she thinks is best for her business, and I will get on with my life. And I have. Cody, magnificent man that he is, has taken it in stride that I've moved in, thankfully, and I've got a new job, one that's paying me more than Vicki ever paid me or thought of paying me. In spite of everything, I'm going to be okay. Better than okay.

It hurts. It's never fun when you get to see exactly what was hiding behind all of those "I love you" speeches, when people prove themselves to be unworthy of your love, affection, time and attention. I won't lie and say that it doesn't hurt to realize that I was being lied to by someone who realized that the only way I would stick around is if I felt special and indebted.

Indebted. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the words "after everything we've done for you." As if I haven't given anything in return. As if I haven't worked, and sweated, and cried, tearing out my hair and beating my brains out trying to figure out what I could do, what could I possibly do, to give a little more of myself, every day. For what?

For a future with no hope or possibility of advancement, whether in respect, privilege, or pure earnings. For a future with no life, giving more and more of myself, a little more with every passing day, until...what? Where could that place have possibly taken me except downward?

Maybe I'm being a little bleak. Maybe there is something in there somewhere that sees and regrets what has been done. Maybe.

Maybe.

I'm choosing to look at this as an opportunity. As a fresh start. As a good riddance to the control and paranoia I've been subjected to over the last couple of years.

In all of this, I want to thank Cody, the wonderful guy who has made this possible and kept me sane, who has kept me going when I thought I could not move another step.

I love you. With every bit of my heart, I do.